Getting my heart broke after dinner

Tonight, found me walking home after watching my team's dismal performance on Sunday Night Football.  I walked into the living room of the hostel I live in to find a warm bowl of rice, and some live music in the living room. Sunday nights are a pot luck dinner, and are usually followed by some live music. There are consistent players, but the line up is always different. There was Mac, Brett, Marissa, Todd, and Lou that evening. Drums, bass, acoustic guitar, a shaker ala Marissa, and some great numbers. The first song was a great choice.

The old standard , made popular to my generation by Social Distortion, Ball and Chain set the ta contemplative show. I identified with that song. The droning of the riffs to that song capture depression well. Everyday the same. I used to be that hopeless. Drunk, on the streets,etc. I was nearly overcome with gratitude for a while, because I survived. This soon turned into me becoming depressed by the words and minor chords of that song.

Next was Amazing Grace, a bass guitar, singer, and harmonica, conveyed the love that is blind faith, and I was lifted to a point of being merely a conduit of emotion, a channel, nothing more.I just soaked in all the good intentions and it was enough.
After that was , Up On Cripple Creek. The bumbling happy go lucky ditty about a drunkard and his fat mama Bessie up in the hills had me a grinning.  That is the power of music. To make you sad, to make you fall in love, to make you wanna fly, to make you wanna cry.

The next song was about a person reminiscing about their background in Appalachia  and how all the trees, were logged and clear cut, along with their whole way of life.  The sadness was right there, as the singer breathed in melancholy tones, I thought of all the sadness when reflecting on all the trees being gone from your homeland. Your relatives all dead, or moved away. Everyone you know, broke and hungry.   Desperate, and beaten, just like the subject of Ball and Chain. The near suicidal result on the other side of that emotional equation had me left with two alternatives. Give up, or keep going. I decided to sleep, and listen to more music the next day.

The sun rose at the low angle it always does this time of year in Oregon. I walked in the neighborhood this morning, and let the rays, and the light, infiltrate the blankness of my morning thoughts.  I am relieved that most of the time, when I am blank, these days positive thoughts  fill my head.

I left Colorado in June, with the pain of a break up, and an uncertainty of destination.  I looked outward for a place to feel at home again.  I only found more loneliness and strangers.

I hiked the coast, I hiked the mountains, and I looked for the places where no one was.  They were beautiful, and empty.  The beauty was only realized to half of its potential because I was alone.

I didn't need a romantic partner to fill the void, I wasn't sure what would cure the emptiness.  with no other options,. I went to visit some friends and found out that people still wanted to hang out with me. I also found out how little my friends of years knew about me.

I decided that I want to make a go of staying here. I found a job that can be a career position.
I work for some great people, and I am looking to make the most of the opportunity.

I live in Eugene, and the peaceful, true hippie vibe here is awesome. Not that tune in, turn on, and drop out vibe. the vibe of no racism, freedom of thought and expression, and the diversity and vibrancy of a college town. That is nestled next to a logging town that is conservative. The dichotomy of this makes life here interesting.

I will look into that and share what I find later.