I used to have delusions of grandeur,
I thought I could hang out with people like that boxer, Evander
I want headlong into the game, decided to forgo shame
then the truth came, and I was never the same.
Was it like a mirror breaking? Was I nervous, panicked, and shaking?
Okay, maybe just a bit, but I won't succumb to it.
I am finally finding out my true worth as a man
I am doing the damn best I can
What can I earn? I prefer, what can I learn.
I am sure my needs will be met,
we live in a wealthy land
People with open hands.
I will make sure that what I need, I work and get
My mind is like a homestead, newly cleared,
I am like a woolen sheep, that has finally been sheared.
I can start again today, for from the East, there is a way.
Lessons on how to live a good life, need not come just from sources of today.
Out TV shows, our daily grind
To help each other, we must find
Something in me that you see in you
See, if you see it in me, then you'll help you , too
I write this, early in the morning as I stare out the window of my friend's home. He tied one on last night pretty good and is sleeping that off in the rest of the house.
I woke with a heavy heart, and look out the window, at the grey sky unfolding without end. Raindrops coming down, sometimes driven sideways, with the gelid steely sting, that they deliver up here at 6200ft up. If it is 70 at sea level, it will be somewhere around 40 or so at this height. The point is, those folks in places like Minnesota, the Dakotas, and Wisconsin, do not have the market cornered when it comes to shitty weather.
The cold grey rain reminds me of time I spent in the Pacific Northwest. I was depressed there, a lot, and today will certainly be a day with some sadness.
I split up with my girlfriend of ten months yesterday. I am trying to look on it as a learning experience and focus on where my life will go from here. I have no trouble finding a positive direction. I have a job, great friends, and I live in a beautiful place. I have made some big changes over the past year. I gave up cigarettes nearly completely( maybe 8 smokes since I stopped daily smoking in January), and came to terms with a psychological injury that I received, gradually, over my childhood. I lost a lover, and a friend. I learned some lessons, and I also got a syllabus, for the next step in my education.
Class title, "Healthy Emotional Response for Homo Sapiens". It is not even a 101 level course. It is remedial for most. I never had it shared with me as a child, so I have been learning it, piecemeal, over the years.
The more I know people and the longer I live, I realize things about love. It is that most mercurial of emotions. It defies holding, and shape. I only know what it doesn't include. I learned that through trial and error. I will be getting in touch with my shortcomings now. I only think of the lady and wish her well. I used the Latin word for infant when describing our affair, and now I know why. I am an infant when it comes to this ability. A toddler, taking those shaky steps.
I know that love is this, it is helping someone, as much as you can. It is doing the best thing you could for them, all of the time. It only works if you are doing it for yourself first. If not, you can really hurt people and yourself included.
The real goal of the class is not a piece of paper, or a degree. It is a lifetime of happiness, little regret, and great memories. It is filled with the laughter and vibrancy of loved ones. It is big enough for each person to feel safe. It is filled with love.
That's all you get from this class, no degree, no ceremony, no fanfare. A long happy life, full of happy people. The alternative is solitude, and that really is only a small piece of the puzzle.
Forward, with caution.
Jim Dunnigan
