Getting my heart broke after dinner

Tonight, found me walking home after watching my team's dismal performance on Sunday Night Football.  I walked into the living room of the hostel I live in to find a warm bowl of rice, and some live music in the living room. Sunday nights are a pot luck dinner, and are usually followed by some live music. There are consistent players, but the line up is always different. There was Mac, Brett, Marissa, Todd, and Lou that evening. Drums, bass, acoustic guitar, a shaker ala Marissa, and some great numbers. The first song was a great choice.

The old standard , made popular to my generation by Social Distortion, Ball and Chain set the ta contemplative show. I identified with that song. The droning of the riffs to that song capture depression well. Everyday the same. I used to be that hopeless. Drunk, on the streets,etc. I was nearly overcome with gratitude for a while, because I survived. This soon turned into me becoming depressed by the words and minor chords of that song.

Next was Amazing Grace, a bass guitar, singer, and harmonica, conveyed the love that is blind faith, and I was lifted to a point of being merely a conduit of emotion, a channel, nothing more.I just soaked in all the good intentions and it was enough.
After that was , Up On Cripple Creek. The bumbling happy go lucky ditty about a drunkard and his fat mama Bessie up in the hills had me a grinning.  That is the power of music. To make you sad, to make you fall in love, to make you wanna fly, to make you wanna cry.

The next song was about a person reminiscing about their background in Appalachia  and how all the trees, were logged and clear cut, along with their whole way of life.  The sadness was right there, as the singer breathed in melancholy tones, I thought of all the sadness when reflecting on all the trees being gone from your homeland. Your relatives all dead, or moved away. Everyone you know, broke and hungry.   Desperate, and beaten, just like the subject of Ball and Chain. The near suicidal result on the other side of that emotional equation had me left with two alternatives. Give up, or keep going. I decided to sleep, and listen to more music the next day.

The sun rose at the low angle it always does this time of year in Oregon. I walked in the neighborhood this morning, and let the rays, and the light, infiltrate the blankness of my morning thoughts.  I am relieved that most of the time, when I am blank, these days positive thoughts  fill my head.

I left Colorado in June, with the pain of a break up, and an uncertainty of destination.  I looked outward for a place to feel at home again.  I only found more loneliness and strangers.

I hiked the coast, I hiked the mountains, and I looked for the places where no one was.  They were beautiful, and empty.  The beauty was only realized to half of its potential because I was alone.

I didn't need a romantic partner to fill the void, I wasn't sure what would cure the emptiness.  with no other options,. I went to visit some friends and found out that people still wanted to hang out with me. I also found out how little my friends of years knew about me.

I decided that I want to make a go of staying here. I found a job that can be a career position.
I work for some great people, and I am looking to make the most of the opportunity.

I live in Eugene, and the peaceful, true hippie vibe here is awesome. Not that tune in, turn on, and drop out vibe. the vibe of no racism, freedom of thought and expression, and the diversity and vibrancy of a college town. That is nestled next to a logging town that is conservative. The dichotomy of this makes life here interesting.

I will look into that and share what I find later.

Raw Wool

I used to have delusions of grandeur,
I thought I could hang out with people like that boxer, Evander


I want headlong into the game, decided to forgo shame
then the truth came, and I was never the same.


Was it like a mirror breaking? Was I nervous, panicked, and shaking?
Okay, maybe just a bit, but I won't succumb to it.


I am finally finding out my true worth as a man
I am doing the damn best I can


What can I earn? I prefer, what can I learn.


I am sure my needs will be met, 
we live in a wealthy land
People with open hands.
I will make sure that what I need, I work and get


My mind is like a homestead, newly cleared,
I am like a woolen sheep, that has finally been sheared.


I can start again today, for from the East, there is a way.
Lessons on how to live a good life, need not come just from sources of today.

Out TV shows, our daily grind
To help each other, we must find
Something in me that you see in you
See, if you see it in me, then you'll help you , too

Reflections on a Break Up

I write this, early in the morning as I stare out the window of my friend's home. He tied one on last night pretty good and is sleeping that off in the rest of the house.


I woke with a heavy heart, and look out the window, at the grey sky unfolding without end. Raindrops coming down, sometimes driven sideways,  with the gelid steely sting, that they deliver up here at 6200ft up.  If it is 70 at sea level, it will be somewhere around 40 or so at this height.  The point is, those folks in places like Minnesota, the Dakotas, and Wisconsin, do not have the market cornered when it comes to shitty weather.




The cold grey rain reminds me of time I spent in the Pacific Northwest.  I was depressed there, a lot, and today will certainly be a day with some sadness.


I split up with my girlfriend of ten months yesterday.  I am trying to look on it as a learning experience and focus on where my life will go from here.  I have no trouble finding a positive direction.  I have a job, great friends, and I live in a beautiful place.  I have made some big changes over the past year.  I gave up cigarettes nearly completely( maybe 8 smokes since I stopped daily smoking in January), and came to terms with a psychological injury that I received, gradually, over my childhood.  I lost a lover, and a friend. I learned some lessons,  and I also got a syllabus, for the next step in my education. 


 Class title, "Healthy Emotional Response for Homo Sapiens".  It is not even a 101 level course.  It is remedial for most.  I never had it shared with me as a child, so I have been learning it, piecemeal, over the years. 


The more I know people and the longer I live, I realize things about love.  It is that most mercurial of emotions.  It defies holding, and shape.  I only know what it doesn't include.  I learned that through trial and error. I will be getting in touch with my shortcomings now. I only think of the lady and wish her well.  I used the Latin word for infant when describing our affair, and now I know why. I am an infant when it comes to this ability.  A toddler, taking those shaky steps. 


  I know that love is this, it is helping someone, as much as you can.  It is doing the best thing you could for them, all of the time. It only works if you are doing it for yourself first.  If not, you can really hurt people and yourself included.


The real goal of the class is not a piece of paper, or a degree.  It is a lifetime of happiness, little regret, and great memories. It is filled with the laughter and  vibrancy of loved ones.  It is big enough for each person to feel safe.  It is filled with love.  


That's all you get from this class, no degree, no ceremony, no fanfare.  A long happy life, full of happy people.  The alternative is solitude, and that really is only a small piece of the puzzle. 


Forward, with caution.


Jim Dunnigan

Dark Thoughts on a Sunny Spring Day

I drive through the south 
And the thoughts start to spill
All of the slaves tortured, raped, beaten and killed.
Their souls infest this astral plane
Forever tortured, they will not remain.


Their stories will fill my ears.
I sniff the air for the faintest notion of their pain.
I’ll try to give them a voice,
 Silent so long they have lain

I look at the swamps, their bodies were slain
I see the trees, hung bodies, hugged at the knees
Hold the body steady, while I cut it down
Look at the blood, all over the ground.


Let’s not lie, and say hatred is past
I think that there still are
Many questions to be asked.

I won't give that back

(MAYBE 20 minutes, that's how long this took)

Just like they told me
I played my part
You smiled at me  
You woke up my heart

I think our eyes met
We shared our secret
I told a near  truth
And you believed it 

Now we hold hands 
We walk together
 And We stay on course
Through stormy weather

I met your family
I met your  Mother 
Aunt, sister and brother
I only care
To have no other.

I like your long legs
They’re nice to touch and squeeze
I got some special  needs
That you sure do please
(smoke ‘em if ya got em right about now)

Now we hold hands 
We walk together
 And We stay on course
Through stormy weather


It’s not only 
‘Cause you are so fine
It’s   ‘cause    your heart’s pure
 It’s   ‘cause   your love shines
I wake up grateful
“cause you are mine.

I looked a long time 
I didn’t find you

I hope that I never 
Try to bind you

I think now
About dimensions
I think now
About what we won’t mention
Our love is freedom
No one can fence in

Now we hold hands 
We walk together
 And We stay on course
Through stormy weather



I found passion
I found a partner
To teach me much more
I do impart her. 

Now we hold hands 
We walk together
 We stay on course
Through stormy weather

We are the stars in the sky
The ocean is not greater
Love IS the Tsunami

OFF THE CUFF

When did we turn our back on our brothers? 
When did we turn our back on our sisters?
The starving person is your brother, no other
The mother who lost her house, is your sister, mister.


This is the land of the bold, free , and brave
This is the land whose armies called
This is the land whose mothers gave

This is the land that leaves clear cuts bald.


Spill oil in the gulf, so what
Look at health care for children,
Some Congressmen see a place to cut.
They should just work harder, or better yet, 
if their folks don't have the right papers, they can leave.
DREAM ACT??  Cheap Labor is what the rich need!


Let's live up to the words of Lady Liberty
That awesome gift from France
Let's let hungry people come here, 
and let's give ALL A CHANCE


Take a few dimes from the fat cat
give some love to those that ain't got it like that
What the fuck is the problem
You'll just jail , and then rob them


Time for us who have had enough
time to go and do some stuff
It won't be easy
The road is rough


The one percent thinks they don't have enough


I MADE THIS SHIT UP...RIGHT OFF THE CUFF!